Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
