we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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