I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
