someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
