My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
