I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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