You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
