We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
