I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
