I wish I only lived at night.
thus making me awesome and them whores
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the condom got lost in my hair
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
