I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
