I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
