If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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