You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
