I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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