Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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