I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
