k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
that is very illegal...i love you.
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