True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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