Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
All the doctor said was why
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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