dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
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Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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