I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
