Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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