If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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