I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
