i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Still dying that you shit outside
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
