and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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