I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
