your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
