On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
