I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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