If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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