I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
