Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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