i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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