I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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