Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
