my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
