I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
