I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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