have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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