Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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