i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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