i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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