i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
