yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
