her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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