I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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