my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
