Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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