I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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