My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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