her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
