Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
