Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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