you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
