and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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