Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
