jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
