Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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