This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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