Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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