Don't you send me to vm
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
