Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
