His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
